I don’t know about you, but judging from the news, my own life, and the lives of people I care about, this year has been quite tough and almost everyone I know is feeling really worn out and a bit sick of things.
Part of the problem is that we are constantly being bombarded with bad news stories and since we are biologically wired to notice threatening things over positive things we often gravitate to bad news and share it. This, of course can be bad for our mental health.
So what is the answer to this feeling of malaise? I think it’s multifaceted and I want to explore it by sharing something from my own life.
Over a week ago I was involved in a verbal incident with someone I’ve known for about a year. I won’t go into detail, but from my perspective I don’t believe this incident was of my causing but it left me angry and feeling ‘put upon’ for days.
Having mulled it over for a while I have come to the conclusion that while I still believe my annoyance with this person was justified, my internal reaction was much stronger than I think the incident warranted.
Part of that is due I have certain values about how people should behave that I think are idealistic and probably unrealistic. To own the truth, I fail to live up to these values myself oftentimes yet I often have a very rigid belief in how people should or should not behave around other people.
The other part is that I am exhausted after what has been a very challenging year for both myself and a lot of people around me. This year, a number of friends have faced some very intense health issues, others are dealing with unemployment and bereavements.
So, right now, I am re-evaluating my own situation and I realise that while many of the things I am personally dealing or worried about are very frustrating, none of them are life-threatening or so serious that they will be devastating. Yes, I need to pay attention to them and try and overcome them, but if I am honest with myself I can cope.
One thing that is always helpful to me is talking things through with someone I know cares about me as much as I care about them. Sharing stories and problems can be quite illuminating.
For example, yesterday I caught up with a friend of mine and in our conversation she told me that she is quite an anxious person by nature. Yet, over the time I have known her, she has always seemed quite calm and measured in her responses, even when people around her are not. When I asked her what her secret was, she laughed and then gave me the following response:
‘I’ve learned to breathe carefully in stressful situations and to apply mindfulness. I acknowledge my feelings and internal reactions and then try to respond in a measured way.’
We then talked about the notion of being an ‘observer’ in one’s own head and how just giving awareness to our thoughts and feelings as if we were merely there to watch them is quite liberating and they seem to melt away.
That is something I’ve known about for a long time but my use of that technique is very haphazard. I can force myself to be calm and diplomatic when I really have to but I don’t always manage to keep a hold on my emotions and sometimes I can spend a long time afterwards stewing over something that might not be that big, which is exactly what I did last week.
I guess ultimately what I’m saying is my reactions to situations can be influenced by a lot of things such as what is going on around me generally and also what is going on in my own life. Understanding that and remembering to just observe how I’m feeling can be incredibly helpful.
What I am not so sure about is how one copes with the really huge things in life. For example, I know several people who this year have had, or are still, facing serious life-threatening illnesses. I won’t glibly say that simply ‘observing’ thoughts and reactions is a catch-all solution to dealing with something that is so incredibly serious.
But what I have seen in each of those friends is a desire to be honest about what they are going through and a strong sense that they will get through this by living day by day.
It’s not easy, in fact I know it’s been downright horrendous at times, but friends are supportive of them and they seem to have developed a form of resilience. In one or two cases, I know that simply focussing on things and people they love and enjoy helps get through the tough times.
I take solace in that and draw the lesson that what we focus on is really important, particularly in difficult moments. Being courageous in adversity and also reaching out and connecting with the people we care about in both good and bad times is so very important. I often retreat when I feel bogged down but I think I’ll try and change that.